Week 8: Obsession

85.4kgs ….Hurrah!

I have started to throw moves in the street, in the toilets in front of the mirror at work, on the platform at tube station, in my kitchen….People look at me strangely. I  seem to have become completely absorbed in my own boxing world, where all around me has disappeared. I don’t enjoy anything as I am being consumed by the idea that I need to improve. Is it normal?

I go to bed and think of punches and dodges and I get overly anxious about the fight. All the things I need to perfect, how good the opponent will be, how I will cope under pressure. I am panicking.

I have also begun to develop extremely negative thinking. Which is bad. This started by getting hit again in my rib. Thought it was getting better and went to spar on Monday and bang, once again a right hook in the side re-ignited the pain.  I feel doomed. How can I be fit for the fight with this or without sparring?

My nose is also bruised and I genuinely feel exhausted and unfit !

I know I know: I sound like a pussy or a wimp. And I am ashamed of myself.

But I said I was going to share how I felt on this blog, no matter how good or how bad so I am doing just that. It ‘s a terrible feeling and I am forcing myself to fight it.

Of course I know I am doing everything I can to be ready, the training , the food , the non drinking, the focus…But I feel I never do enough. G. says what matters is knowing you could not do more or better. But I don’t feel that way. I feel like I need to vanquish my inner fear and insecurity here: and with my rib in pain I cannot spar to judge where I am !

I am hoping my opponent is feeling the same. I hope he is petrified and I am praying my rib heals so I can fight because I want it over, I NEED to end this and I NEED to come out on top. It s been too hard a journey so far !

 

The W.